How To: Smalltalk 101

It is vacation time and if you are planning to go to the US, we recommend reading the following text on the different conversational habits of Germans and Americans. The original text was published in the weblog "USA erklaert" (USA explained) usaerklaert.wordpress.com/2006/09/18/warum-amerikaner-briten-kanadier-nicht-sagen-was-sie-meinen/.

"Hey, how are you?" the American asks and is taken by surprise when the German starts talking about how his ferret has just been run over. "Just come on over sometime!" says a chance acquaintance and is stunned when the German shows up at his door. Americans do not always mean what they say, Germans, however, mostly do. Quite useful is the "three times rule" - if an American says something three times ("Please come visit us again") and it's already becoming annoying, then it is quite possibly meant that way. Just once, however, doesn't count.

AMERICANS ARE VERY POLITE
In certain situations, Americans speak in a kind of code. That is polite. For example, just saying "no" is considered to be very rude, so they say something else that other Americans understand as a "no," when in fact, it doesn't literally mean "no." If the best asks for an opinion on a dress, the German would probably grimace and say something along the lines of "not really," or "I don't really think this looks good on you." An American, however, will say something like "don't you think blue would go along better with the color of your eyes?" For an American, this says "you look like an anorexic scarecrow," while a German would think they're not talking about the same thing.

The rule applies to every-day life as well. A polite American would never say he didn't like a gift, that would be impolite and might hurt the other's feelings. And that is - to get to the point - more important than the truth. So that's why you say it - if you say it at all - in code, and because the other person knows the code as well he will understand and everything remains polite. Not for nothing does the English language have the terms "little white lie" and "polite lie," which are both significantly weaker than the German "Notluege" (emergency lie). In English, the terms describe a socially accepted, or, what's even more, a socially required fib.

Now that raises the question of what an American says in case he or she really does like a gift. Well, in short, they basically jump for joy. "I always wanted to have that, honey, look what they gave me. Ever since I was a kid, no, even before I was born, I wanted to have exactly that, just wait until the neighbors see this, thank you very, very much!" If you, as a German, are embarrassed by this - well, then it's just right.

As exhausting as a happy American may be for a German - the other way around the problem is much more severe. An American who gives a gift to a German, will almost always be disappointed, since Germans never lose it like that. In the American's code book, however, the usual German "thank you" is a sign that the other person doesn't like the gift.

FOR GERMANS, CRITICISM IS NORMAL
The rules we just mentioned especially apply to an American's behavior in Germany. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything," that's what the kids learn, so they don't say anything on vacation or on a student exchange - criticizing the host family would be the rudest thing possible.

That's very frustrating for Germans. If someone has spent a certain amount of time in a country, they expect them to have found dome things they didn't like. It considered to be "honest" to name them and multifaceted thinking is seen as evidence of a sophisticated and critical mind. Anyone who finds everything great, awesome and amazing is regarded as being dull, gullible and superficial - the latter is one of the most widely-spread prejudices against Americans in Germany, and not for no reason. From a US point of view, however, such behavior is, in a way, a compliment.

If Germans, after having frequent contact with Americans, find out that there is, in fact, a code, this sometimes leads to panic. Every sentence and every remark will be questioned: "Does he mean that or does he only say that to be polite? And how should I act now?" First of all, you will have to get used to the knowledge, that there are some things you won't ever know. A good guest will always make you feel like you changed his life. Anyone who can't or doesn't want to just leave it at that, will have to learn to pay attention and trust his or her own empathy. If you yourself are the guest, save the criticism for your diary and concentrate on one specific detail that you will then proceed to praise. "It was different," by the way, means translated "it was horrible." You won't get off that easily.

However, when it comes down to it you should remember that in no country you will be expected to know all the correct rules of social behavior. Most Americans know that Germans are...well, let's say a little more upfront.